DIY Do or Die part FOUR (the shitty part)

I’ve hit that wonderful point in the creation of the CD where I’m in what we call (and this is a technical term) a “freakin’ slump”.  Right now I can’t finish a damn thing, start a damn thing, or come up with any ideas for my EXISTING ideas that feel like I’m helping them.

Being stressed out over the upcoming 3 day FMF09 Reverence Showcase in 3 weeks isn’t helping (www.fmf09.com for info and tickets), but let me lay out what you get to deal with if you live with me:  1) “Normal Guy Matt”, who is calm, affable, and mildly amusing, 2) “Crazy Matt”, who is hyperkinetic, full of ideas, and probably more annoying than amusing, and 3) “Depressed Matt”,  who feels like he’s thoroughly sinking, nothing’s worth it, and that he can’t do anything right.  Strangely, Depressed Matt can be HYSTERICAL, mainly because I simply give less of a shit than normal what’s “right” to say…and I end up apologizing later.  Oh well.

So yup, I’m a catch.  And I’m also in #3.  The wonders of suffering from depression (like many, I ain’t special or some “tortured artist” here) is that I, well, HAVE TO SUFFER WITH DEPRESSION SOMETIMES.  It sucks, plain and simple.  Yeah, I’m on meds, but they don’t cancel out the emotions.  They don’t cancel out the weird thoughts and the want/need (yay, alcoholism) to self-medicate.  I’m not suicidal or anything, as it always passes, but MAN does it suck in the meantime.

Basically I just get really focused on one band that “speaks to me” and overlisten to them.  Right now, that’s the Riverboat Gamblers.  Nothing helps a depressive with a  drinking problem more (at least me) than hearing songs from OTHER depressives with drinking problems. 

Hey, birds of a feather, right?  This also explains why I listen to more punk than industrial most of the time– better songs to relate to about being a fuck-up.

So what does this mean for the CD?  It’s shelved until I get my mojo back.  I contemplated not even writing this as truthfully not much has been completed outside of a new track getting a demo mix (Piss and Vinegar) and tossed up on myspace since I’ll be playing it at a bunch of upcoming shows (which I alternately just want over and am excited about), but I figured I wanted an honest representation of creating new music and for a lot of us “artist types” depression and mental issues are very real.

I know many who are much worse than me, and I don’t hide it and I’m not ashamed of it.  I still have a damn good life as much as I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex of steaming shit sometimes, and so I just have to yell at my head to shut up (in the “non voices-hearing” way:)) and keep writing lyrics, as that’s one of the ways I get this out of me.

Luckily, I’m coming up with some really good stuff in that dept.  Now I just need to write MUSIC for it…and that’ll be for another CD altogether if I ever release it.

So there ya go.  I’m in the shitty part of the creative process.  Welcome to Caustic.

The nice part is I know I’ll get out of this and start going crazy being creative and having fun.  Unfortunately I have to be patient as because I never know WHEN that’ll happen.  Fingers crossed on sooner than later…

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One response to “DIY Do or Die part FOUR (the shitty part)

  1. Pulse State Mike

    Oh yeah, I totally relate to this entry. Right now I’m in the middle of writing my next album. I’ve got a flurry of ideas. At first I wanted it to be the most god-awful heap of depressive songs you’ll ever hear, and then I wanted to do trip-hop, and then some dark dance tracks, and then long stretches of noise and brooding atmospheres with me mumbling some random esoteric words that would make you think that I’ve been dropping acid since I was two… and I get to tame all of this to work together and somehow make something cohesive of all of it, all the while finding ways to somehow NOT alienate my small fanbase. It’s a trip!

    Luckily I’ve got a couple of good musically inclined people as close friends (and in the case of two of them, band mates in D:konstruct), so I’ve been positively influenced as of late. Also, I don’t put *every* idea into Cubase SX3, so the lame ones that don’t last with me get weeded out by default.

    In the end, you’re the one who decides what happens with your music, though, so best to you and hope you can finish the project :)

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