Daily Archives: March 17, 2010

BREAKING NEWS! Matt Fanale gives up drinking

BREAKING NEWS March 17th, 2010 12:00PM EST

Popular/only jizzcore artist Caustic, aka Matt Fanale, has announced today that he stopped drinking alcohol as of March 13, 2010. “After 18 years of making an ass of myself I feel it’s time to let another generation have their chance to systematically destroy their livers and embarrass those who love them. And also have a lot of fun.”

Fanale, who will be releasing his new CD “…And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Vomit” in early April, has long been known as “That guy who drank all the band beer. Seriously, he couldn’t leave one freakin’ bottle for me?!”

Class action lawsuits are pending from the beer and liquor industries against Fanale, citing millions in potential lost revenues and scores of layoffs if he continues with his planned cessation. At least six bars in his hometown of Madison, WI have already closed, citing “inevitable bankruptcy” due to the imbibing stoppage.

Tavern League of Wisconsin President Rob Swearingen immediately released an official statement earlier this morning, stating “Thanks for f–king it up for all of us, Fanale. Enjoy soda, you prick.”

Globally the announcement has been treated similarly. Several death threats have been reported from the Mexican tequila industry and German Chancellor Andrea Merkel spoke on behalf of Jagermeister, comparing Fanale to Hitler and then stating “It’s a fair comparison for what he’s doing to us. Really.”

Montreal’s Kinetik Festival was luckily spared in the onslaught, as they were able to markedly reduce their beer order for the festival in time. Beer sponsor Boreale did report several suicides within upper management due to the announcement, however.

Fanale’s only statement in response to the massive criticism and chaos was “It’s fine. I’m used to disappointing people.”

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Be like Fanale and quit drinking. If this proves harder than you thought, get a hand with Alcohol rehabs.

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